Jackson's Way: The Jacksathon

In the vast empty space that constitutes a human life, there is a tiny pinprick of purpose (or ‘pointfulness’) at the centre. Philosophers, religions, life coaches, and sociologists have dedicated entire lifetimes to uncovering exactly what this pinprick contains; but Chris John Jackson has an alternative approach – avoid the pinprick at all costs, and bathe in the eternal radiance of pointlessness.

Jackson first came up with his pioneering behavioural science while standing on the periphery of a business park in which he was supposed to be attending a meeting. He had an epiphany, and realised that attending was not his only option, just the only option with a point. Instead, Jackson decided to explore the vast primordial ocean of purposeless options that lay before him, and stood in the same spot for four days, scrutinising every window frame and landscape garden in the estate.

Several bestselling self-help books and numerous world tours later, Jackson is now one of the leading figures in the world of life coaching. Publications like ‘Jackson: Just a Man’ and ‘Maximum Jackson’ have propelled him into the limelight, and he has decided to undertake a grinding tour of England’s capital to encompass as many of his fans as possible.

The basis of Jackson’s Way (and his plan is, most definitely, a Way) is the execution of 'Jactions' which, when carried through to their illogical conclusion, produce a sense of very real nausea. The simplest Jaction, according to Jackson, is picking up a piece of litter from one part of a city, and depositing that piece of litter in a different part of the same city. This Jaction could be compounded by collecting a different piece of litter from the place where the first was dropped, and so on. But there are other simple Jactions that can be conducted in the safety of one’s living room, such as trying to put your hand in two places at the same time, or trying to make two words that don’t rhyme, rhyme. These activities are, necessarily, impossible, and therefore ‘pointless’; but their pointlessness does not negate their worth. In fact, in Jackson’s Way, it promotes their worth.

This tour only incorporates Level 1 lessons, but my class was treated to quite an exhilarating and complicated ‘compound Jaction’, orchestrated by Jackson himself, and I will endeavour to recreate it for you here. On stage, Jackson was preparing to pick up a bottle of water by conducting the exact action that one would usually conduct to pick up a bottle of water, except he was standing 20ft away from it. At the same time, Jackson threw a towel (his most famous teaching aid) into the air and the audience were tasked with screaming ‘Robert Passad’ (the name of an audience member at the end of row D) over and over again in an attempt to make the towel float. In the event of our succeeding, the Talkshopinar (Jackson has combined the very different environments of a talk, workshop, and seminar into one cohesive whole) would be adjourned and the entire audience would join Jackson for a drink at the bar. But the towel did not float, and so Jackson made a special noise – a sharp exhalation combined with an attempt at a whipping sound – and proceeded to engage a specific audience member, Alex, in a conversation about Poland until Alex felt nauseous. Once this had been achieved, Alex gave the universal signal to show that he had achieved the fulfilment of his Jaction (shouting the word “achieved!” while also punching a fist into the air). This triggered a sequence of four shouts of ‘Alex!’ from pre-assigned audience members. On the first ‘Alex!’ a separate audience member was picked to leave his seat and stand against the far wall of the auditorium, staring at it until he discovered an entire world there. On the second ‘Alex!’ another audience member raced across the stage and danced alone in the wings (stage-left) where nobody could see him. On the third ‘Alex!’ Jackson threw a copy of a Clive Cussler novel to the real Robert Passad, who was expected to read out loud while Jackson attempted to move Finchley northwards despite having no qualifications whatsoever to commend him for the task. And on the final ‘Alex!’ a fourth audience member charged out of the auditorium, through the bar area, out of the building, and waited outside until a word came into his head. By the time he returned with his word, the various audience members had almost all achieved nausea (except the indomitable Robert Passad, who continued reading for some four minutes before succumbing) and the room went silent as we waited to see if Jackson would correctly guess the word the fourth audience member had selected. On the count of three both men blurted forth – the audience member said ‘pointless’, Jackson said ‘daffodil’.

And so ended an overwhelming ‘compound Jaction’ that left the air alive with the possibilities of pointlessness. Even the most sceptical audience members began to mutter with a new enthusiasm and expectancy. “Maybe this crazed yank is on to something!” they thought.

Jackson’s Way doesn’t stop at actions though, and he went on to explain the importance of collecting things that usually seem invisible – either because they are beside something purposeful and visible, or because they distort something purposeful and visible, or because they are the very opposite of something that is purposeful and visible. Objects such as rags of carpet that, when bundled up in a certain way, loosely resemble an elephant; or a single walkie-talkie; or a hand-dryer that no longer serves a purpose other than being heavy to carry. And once you have mastered this concept with ‘things’, Jackson hinted at the potential to apply it to ‘thoughts’ as well; although the concept of thinking the opposite of what you are thinking was a step too far for a Level 1 class.

My Jaction for today, in case you hadn’t noticed, was to write out in as much monotonous detail as possible, what Jackson did during this evening’s talkshopinar at the artsdepot in North Finchley; knowing full well that nobody will ever read it. If you do come across it, and read the entire thing, then I would like to congratulate you on completing your first Jaction - the last few minutes of your life have been consumed by something remarkably, beautifully pure and pointless.

http://www.jacksons-way.com/